Monday, May 21, 2012

Sci-Fi Pick-Up Lines

Happy star-struck Monday to all lovers of sci-fi and SFR!

Azura Ice at your service, and today we're all about great verbal weapons to defeat those unwanted advances in a bar or nightclub. It’s bad when a gal has to endure those pointless passes made by barflies and club hoppers on Earth. There are many overused lines. As I did a little research for this post, it amazed me how many really bad pickup lines there are out there. Here are a few I found on the net.

“I must have died because you look like a slice of Heaven.”

“Just call me Milk. I’ll do your body good.”

“Wanna play house. You be the screen door and I’ll slam you all night long.”

“If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?”

“That dress would look great - on my bedroom floor.”

Now, let’s take a quick trip around the galaxy’s bars and nightclubs. Before we leave, though, I want you to meet one of my sci-fi gal pals, Jessica E. Subject. She confided in me that she needs a li’l help in snappy comebacks, so she’s my special guest tonight.

So, without further ado, put on your blinky platforms and glow-in-the-dark micro minis. Slip into your synthetic wings, spray on your second-skin dresses, and push the button at the base of your skulls for the horn implants or antennae—and let’s cruise the star field for potential hunks.

[Staggers off ship]

No, I’m not hammered. Light speed always messes with my equilibrium! [Smoothes a wrinkle in my spray-on micro-mini dress and applies a bit of star dust over my cleavage] Anyone want any stardust to accent their cleavage? [Blinks, gapes, and then shakes head] Uhm, I was talking about BOOB cleavage! Sheesh, what is wrong with the women in this group?

[Everyone blushes and mutters soft apologies]

Don’t you dare make me regret taking you all on an adult field trip, do you understand?

[Many murmur more apologies and a few “Yes, Azura!” ring out in the group]

Good. [Links arms with Jessica] Let’s go inside Saturn’s Rings Bar and Grill—and behave yourselves!

A tall, lanky male humanoid walks up to me. “Hey moon baby, what do you say you let me mine your rocks?”

Really? That’s the best he can do?

“Sorry, buddy. Maybe after you actually grow a pair.”

My groupies titter and giggle behind me.

We all sidle up to the bar and order drinks. It’s not long before a Viktarian warrior pushes up to the bar, too.

He looks at me and smiles. “Are you single?”

I nod.

“Want to play with my sword?”

“I guess so because I’m sure as hell not going to sharpen the one in your pants.”

He tosses me a vehement look and stalks away.

Jessica pokes me in the ribs. “Look, coming this way!”

I turn and spot two Otarians with lovely blue skin. The first one with midnight eyes says, “Hello, I’m blue.”

“So am I,” says the other.

“We need a little comfort to chase the blues away.”

Jessica laughs, and so do the rest of us. Cute. Those two are winners tonight—and so is Jessica as she saunters off to a quiet booth with a hunk on either side of her.

We move over to a vacant table and seat ourselves. Some of the girls go out on the dance floor shake their boobies—er, booties. A dark-haired seductress approaches me.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“What for?” I ask.

She smirks. “I think you know the answer to that.”

“No thanks. I don’t fly that way.”

“Try it,” she replies, “and you might like it.”

She grabs my arm, and I stare up at her. Oh, she’s a beauty all right. As a matter of fact she’s a Galactic Vamp.

“I’m strictly a het girl, so blast off.”

She tugs on my arm. “I want you.”

I stare at her long, talon-like black nails biting into my forearm. “Let go of my arm or I’ll stuff your fangs up your a**.”

She pales even more—if that’s possible—and sashays away.

The ladies return to the table just in time to hear most of the exchange. I look at them and grin.

“That, ladies, is how you handle unwanted advances. Remember we’re not on Earth, so keep your snappy retorts up with the times and the planet. Never use Earth expressions. You’ll get a blank stare from the jerk or huntress hitting on you.”

We all laugh and order another round.

However, since Jessica is occupied, lol, I’ll mention that she’s written a book for the Elatia Series called An Unexpected Return, release date May 30, 2012. So be sure to keep an eye out for it.

With that said, let’s play a game. The reader who leaves the snappiest/funniest comeback line for an unwanted or annoying guy/gal who hits on them in a sci-fi bar will win autographed postcards of Forever Across the Stars and An Unexpected Return and maybe a coupla other li’l goodies too. Be sure to leave your email address in your comment!

Good luck!


  1. Hilarious...I'm not good with escaping bar denizens though. I once spent three hours in a bathroom because there was a sailor lurking outside and in pre-cell phone days there was no way to get hold of your friend who was making out in the parking lot with the sailor's cute friend! But, from my older wiser vantage point...for a space sailor, I might offer to relocate his telemetry mast in a place that would make him stand up a lot straighter/1

  2. LOL Kate! I was lucky that I went to the bar with a friend who was already married, so not looking to pick up. She's feisty and would chase away any unwanted guys.

    But I do love me some blue aliens. :D

  3. I don't know about comebacks to sci-fi chat up lines, but a great chat up line itself would be:
    "Hey, why don't you and I take a trip in my time machine? We can go see how great our kids will turn out."

  4. Kid replies will often do it, lol.

  5. That's a good one, Dave.

  6. I don't have any snappy comebacks. Well, maybe I do, but I can't think of any at the moment. I could give you a bad pick up line: "How about we teleport back to my place and play hide and seek with my blaster."

    Hm... a good response...

    "It looks like you've done a pretty good job of hiding it, and I don't think looking for it will do any good. Perhaps in another millenium, in a galaxy far, far away, someone might be able to find it... but it won't be me."

    Hm... yeah, kind of lame.

  7. Heather, where's your snappy comeback?

    Marci, you've watch Star Wars too many times, lol.

    1. Yes, I have. (g) When it first came out, I must have seen it 7 or 8 or 9 times. However, since then, I've only seen it once or twice. (g) So, it's been a few years, but it did make an impression. Besides, a blaster is a completely valid type of weapon. Swords are a bit archaic. (g)

  8. My daughter has one when she's being bothered by some jerk. "Want to see my penis." They flee quickly in the opposite direction.

    Or her friend's come back, "You've got more balls than I do."

    The only other one I can think of is, "Really? Are you into pain too?"


  9. ROFL! Love your daughter's!

  10. Faith, how about...
    Let's play lollipop. I'll unwrap it and you lick it.

    I don't know, I'm bad at this. Guys were more straight forward with me when they were brave enough to approach. "Hey, I'm not going to insult you by coming up with some cheesy line. I'm here to get laid and you're hot enough, so are you interested?"
    I would thank them politely and decline, but I could never figure out if they were just too lazy to be original or too smart to bother with pretense.

  11. I'll play.

    "Sure, we can go back to your ship. That way, no one will hear you scream when my flesh-eating nanobots infiltrate your body and have their way with you."

  12. It's nice to know bad pickup lines are a plague everywhere in the galaxy. I actually had a guy ask me what my sign was. (And no, it wasn't the seventies) I told him, "Do not enter."

    I'll play the intergalactic comeback game.

    Line: I would go to the end of the galaxy for you.

    Comeback: Yes, but would you stay there?

    Line: Baby, between my legs is something that lasts forever.

    Comeback: You know they have a shot for that right?

    Line: You want to come aboard my ship?

    Comeback: Don't kid yourself, you've never made a woman come on your ship.

  13. LOL These are awesome! You all rock! :)

  14. Here are my lame attempts!

    line: I'm a bird watcher, new to this planet and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
    comeback: Yes, but that galaxy was all male.

    line: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
    comeback: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

    line: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    comeback: Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.

    guy walks up to two girls laughing, he stops and says..... line: "Why don't you come over here and say that?"
    comeback:100,000 sperm to choose from, and you were the fastest?

    line: Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star Wars sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his light sabre?
    comeback: Oh, wow is Luke here?

    line: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
    comeback: "You mean you've got both a blue dildo and a Great Dane?"

    for when the guy is prescient,
    line: she asks. do you remember your first blow job?
    he says yes,
    comeback: she asks, did you spit or swallow..

    line: Your body is like a temple.
    comeback: Sorry, services were cancelled.

    line: You wouldn't happen to know where a lonely star fighter could sheath his sword, would you?
    comeback: Coat check is 3 floors down.

    line: you know what would look great on your chin?
    comeback: Which one?

    line: How do you feel about group experiments?
    comeback: Did they let you out for good behavior?

    line: I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
    comeback: oh, are you returning to planet dork?

    line: Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumors, and even death! So for my health and yours, JUST SAY YES!
    comeback: the doctor is over there.

    Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

    Have fun!

  15. Wow, lot cool comebacks! Keep 'em coming!

  16. Remember, you asked...!

    (To "visibly excited" pick-up artist wannabe)
    Is that your antenna, or are you just happy to see me?

    My headcrest quivers for you!
    How nice. If you'd go stand in the corner, I'd get a better breeze.

    Come splash in my basking pool of love...
    Did you just crawl out of the shallow end?

    And then, there's the one from real life, when this idiot at the St. Pat's party kept offering to show his shillelagh to every woman he met.
    Until I asked, "Why would I want to see your short, knobby little stick?"

  17. LOL, I like the basking pool one!

  18. Congratulations! The winner is Western Lovin'!! Those were some great pick-up lines. :)

    I will be in contact with you soon.