Happy star-struck Monday to all lovers of sci-fi and SFR!
Azura Ice at your service, and today we're all about great verbal weapons to defeat those unwanted advances in a bar or nightclub. It’s bad when a gal has to endure those pointless passes made by barflies and club hoppers on Earth. There are many overused lines. As I did a little research for this post, it amazed me how many really bad pickup lines there are out there. Here are a few I found on the net.
“I must have died because you look like a slice of Heaven.”
“Just call me Milk. I’ll do your body good.”
“Wanna play house. You be the screen door and I’ll slam you all night long.”
“If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?”
“That dress would look great - on my bedroom floor.”
Now, let’s take a quick trip around the galaxy’s bars and nightclubs. Before we leave, though, I want you to meet one of my sci-fi gal pals, Jessica E. Subject. She confided in me that she needs a li’l help in snappy comebacks, so she’s my special guest tonight.
So, without further ado, put on your blinky platforms and glow-in-the-dark micro minis. Slip into your synthetic wings, spray on your second-skin dresses, and push the button at the base of your skulls for the horn implants or antennae—and let’s cruise the star field for potential hunks.
[Staggers off ship]
No, I’m not hammered. Light speed always messes with my equilibrium! [Smoothes a wrinkle in my spray-on micro-mini dress and applies a bit of star dust over my cleavage] Anyone want any stardust to accent their cleavage? [Blinks, gapes, and then shakes head] Uhm, I was talking about BOOB cleavage! Sheesh, what is wrong with the women in this group?
[Everyone blushes and mutters soft apologies]
Don’t you dare make me regret taking you all on an adult field trip, do you understand?
[Many murmur more apologies and a few “Yes, Azura!” ring out in the group]
Good. [Links arms with Jessica] Let’s go inside Saturn’s Rings Bar and Grill—and behave yourselves!
A tall, lanky male humanoid walks up to me. “Hey moon baby, what do you say you let me mine your rocks?”
Really? That’s the best he can do?
“Sorry, buddy. Maybe after you actually grow a pair.”
My groupies titter and giggle behind me.
We all sidle up to the bar and order drinks. It’s not long before a Viktarian warrior pushes up to the bar, too.
He looks at me and smiles. “Are you single?”
“Want to play with my sword?”
“I guess so because I’m sure as hell not going to sharpen the one in your pants.”
He tosses me a vehement look and stalks away.
Jessica pokes me in the ribs. “Look, coming this way!”
I turn and spot two Otarians with lovely blue skin. The first one with midnight eyes says, “Hello, I’m blue.”
“So am I,” says the other.
“We need a little comfort to chase the blues away.”
Jessica laughs, and so do the rest of us. Cute. Those two are winners tonight—and so is Jessica as she saunters off to a quiet booth with a hunk on either side of her.
We move over to a vacant table and seat ourselves. Some of the girls go out on the dance floor shake their boobies—er, booties. A dark-haired seductress approaches me.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“What for?” I ask.
She smirks. “I think you know the answer to that.”
“No thanks. I don’t fly that way.”
“Try it,” she replies, “and you might like it.”
She grabs my arm, and I stare up at her. Oh, she’s a beauty all right. As a matter of fact she’s a Galactic Vamp.
“I’m strictly a het girl, so blast off.”
She tugs on my arm. “I want you.”
I stare at her long, talon-like black nails biting into my forearm. “Let go of my arm or I’ll stuff your fangs up your a**.”
She pales even more—if that’s possible—and sashays away.
The ladies return to the table just in time to hear most of the exchange. I look at them and grin.
“That, ladies, is how you handle unwanted advances. Remember we’re not on Earth, so keep your snappy retorts up with the times and the planet. Never use Earth expressions. You’ll get a blank stare from the jerk or huntress hitting on you.”
We all laugh and order another round.
However, since Jessica is occupied, lol, I’ll mention that she’s written a book for the Elatia Series called An Unexpected Return, release date
May 30, 2012. So be
sure to keep an eye out for it.
With that said, let’s play a game. The reader who leaves the snappiest/funniest comeback line for an unwanted or annoying guy/gal who hits on them in a sci-fi bar will win autographed postcards of Forever Across the Stars and An Unexpected Return and maybe a coupla other li’l goodies too. Be sure to leave your email address in your comment!